Snack Guard
Fridays, 9pm to 1am
Stand between the raccoons and the snack closet. Hold the line. Lose gracefully. Nobody has ever lasted a full shift, but we believe in you.
Volunteer
Join the night shift. Bring gloves.
Our volunteers are the backbone of this shelter. The raccoons are the reason that backbone needs a chiropractor. If you have free evenings, thick gloves, and a low attachment to your belongings, we would love to meet you.
Open Roles
Lid Tester
Wednesdays, 10pm to 2am
Put the newest "raccoon-proof" trash cans in front of Professor Snacks and write down how long each one lasts. Current record: 41 seconds. Current average: also about 41 seconds.
Bath Monitor
Nightly, any time
Keep the water bowls full and supervise hand washing. Also retrieve any phones, keys or remotes Dr. Fingers has decided to clean. Rice is provided.
Grape Peeler
Sundays, 9pm to midnight
Yes, they want them peeled. No, we don't know when that started. Yes, they can tell the difference. Do not try them.
Rooftop Retrieval Specialist
On call
Rocco climbed something again. Ladder provided. Courage not provided. Must be comfortable with heights and with being climbed.
Nap Supervisor
Whenever Waffles is asleep (always)
Sit quietly near Waffles and Pancake and make sure they are comfortable. Our most requested role. The waitlist is currently 14 months.
Shelter Photographer
Flexible
Take adoption photos of our residents. Bonus if you can get one normal picture of Ziti. Nobody has succeeded. Several have quit.
Raccoon Whisperer
By invitation only
You don't apply for this role. A raccoon chooses you. You'll know it happened when your shoelaces are untied and nobody else was in the room.
Requirements
- 18 or older
- Available between 9pm and 4am, and fine with it
- Closed-toe shoes (the floor is a lot)
- No shiny jewelry. Cheddar will shake your hand and keep your ring.
- Comfortable being stared at, for a long time, by something in a mask
- A sense of humor is required. A sense of smell is a liability.
Volunteer Perks
- A free volunteer t-shirt (it will be stolen within the hour)
- All the leftover grapes you want (there are no leftover grapes)
- Hands-on training in knots, latches and locks, mostly from watching raccoons undo them
- The deep, unblinking respect of a raccoon (rare, but life-changing)
What Our Volunteers Say
"I came in for one shift. That was three years ago. I no longer own a single closed container."
"Professor Snacks taught me more about locks than my locksmith certification did. I'm not sure he should know this much."
"Every Sunday I peel grapes for three hours. I've never been happier. Please send help."
How to Apply
- Leave one grape on your porch before you go to bed.
- Do not watch it. They know when you're watching.
- Check in the morning. If the grape is gone, you've been accepted. If the grape is still there, try a better grape.
- Show up for orientation Thursday at 10pm. Wear clothes you don't love.
Orientation is held behind the big green dumpster. You'll know it by the eyes.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are raccoons good pets?
Honestly? No. They are wild animals with tiny hands and big plans. They will destroy your house and there will be nothing you can do about it to stop them.
Why are you only open at night?
Most of our residents are nocturnal. Our staff is not, but they have stopped fighting it.
Do you accept returns?
The raccoon decides. If they want to come back, they will be on our porch by morning. If they don't, they now own your house. Either way, the paperwork is the same.
There's a raccoon in my attic. Can I drop it off?
If a raccoon is in your attic, it has already dropped itself off. For real, though: call your local wildlife rehab or animal control. They know what they're doing. We just write bios.
Can I donate food?
Yes! Our most requested items are grapes, hard-boiled eggs, and rotisserie chicken. Please don't leave donations by the door. You know what will happen.
Why does your shelter smell like that?
We'd rather not talk about it.