Now open nightly, 9pm to 4am. Please bring your own snacks. We will take them.

Raccoons for Adoption

26 masked bandits looking for their forever dumpster

Every raccoon below has been washed (by themselves, repeatedly, in your water bowl). All adoptions include one lifetime supply of chaos. Visit us after dark, when everyone is awake and in a mood.

The adoption process

How It Works

Four easy steps. Well, three easy steps and one you won't be awake for.

  1. Pick your bandit

    Browse the lineup above. Choose with your heart, not with how many trash cans you'd like to keep.

    ⏱ About 5 minutes (3 hours if you read every bio)

  2. Home visit

    A raccoon will inspect your home at 3am. You will not be told when. You will know.

    ⏱ Unannounced, but thorough

  3. Pay the adoption fee

    One rotisserie chicken, unopened. Or opened. Honestly, any chicken. Meatball is in charge of collections.

    💰 Exactly 1 chicken

  4. Take them home

    They already know where you live. That part was easy. Check the back seat before you drive off.

    ⏱ Immediately (they're already in your car)

Every adoption includes

  • Starter trash canPre-opened, for convenience
  • Welcome grapesOne bag, already half eaten
  • Thick glovesYou'll understand later
  • Certificate of ownershipThe raccoon does not recognize it
  • First vet visitPriya will weigh them (twice)
  • Lifetime 3am visitsNon-refundable
Meet the raccoons

Frequently Asked Questions

Are raccoons good pets?

Honestly? No. They are wild animals with tiny hands and big plans. They will destroy your house and there will be nothing you can do about it to stop them.

Why are you only open at night?

Most of our residents are nocturnal. Our staff is not, but they have stopped fighting it.

Do you accept returns?

The raccoon decides. If they want to come back, they will be on our porch by morning. If they don't, they now own your house. Either way, the paperwork is the same.

There's a raccoon in my attic. Can I drop it off?

If a raccoon is in your attic, it has already dropped itself off. For real, though: call your local wildlife rehab or animal control. They know what they're doing. We just write bios.

Can I donate food?

Yes! Our most requested items are grapes, hard-boiled eggs, and rotisserie chicken. Please don't leave donations by the door. You know what will happen.

Why does your shelter smell like that?

We'd rather not talk about it.